Wednesday, May 13, 2009

It’s the same damn song, the DJ sucks…makes…me…sad

A perfectly sane Roger Clemens calmly offers his broken bat back to Mike Piazza in this 2000 file photo from this site.

May is the month when aging acts that once topped the charts emerge from months of seclusion and go back on tour to play their old hits to appreciative audiences that don’t want to hear any of that new crap. REO SpeedwagonJourneyMotley CrueForeigner…Roger Clemens.

That’s right: More than a year after his appearance before Congress and on the same day a book branding him a steroid-using philanderer hit the shelves, Clemens restarted his Grand Delusion tour Tuesday when he appeared on ESPN Radio.

Clemens sang the same damn song, telling Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg that the excerpts he’s read of American Icon are “…completely false” and that former trainer Brian McNamee never injected him with steroids or HGH. Of course, he had multiple chances to, you know, say that to the authors of the book, but declined to do so.

You gotta feel for the guy. To hear him speak, he’s the victim of the most carefully orchestrated screw job in history. McNamee never injected Clemens, yet Clemens’ DNA is in the syringes. I mean, shoot, Jack Bauer’s got better luck than Clemens.

Clemens says he was speaking Tuesday because he felt he was criticized for going into hiding following the debacle with Congress. But as Jon Heyman of notes, there’s a pretty good chance that Clemens’ chirping gave the feds—who are already investigating him for perjury in front of Congress—even more reason to pursue him.

In the meantime, it was hilarious to listen to the appearance and hear Clemens conduct himself as if he’d just read the Cliffs Notes to “PR For Dummies.” Call the hosts by nickname? Check. (Golic was twice called “Golie” and Greenberg was called “Greenie” three times) Paint yourself as a casual dude by referring to the hosts as “guys?” Check. (Six times) Portray yourself as a pious person who cares only about others? Check. (Clemens mentioned his charity work and twice referred to the speeches he says he gives to students and young players in which he says steroids are bad)

We can assume “PR For Dummies” did not recommend Clemens butcher the English language (he once again said his “friend” Andy Petttite “misremembered” their conversations about steroid use), nor say he was at risk for a heart attack because his stepfather died of one.

Clemens’ grandest delusion may have been his dodging a question about whether or not he’s really retired. “It’s going to be a competition between myself and Brett Favre,” Clemens said. “If he comes back again, then I’m gonna get out on the streets and start hitting pavement.”

Hmm, let’s see, he’s going to be 47 in a little over two months, was breaking down at the end of his last season in 2007, likes to show up only on the days he pitches and has the feds—to borrow a Clemens phrase—running up his back. Favre has a better chance of starting for the Patriots in September than Clemens does of pitching for anyone ever again. But getting out on the streets while he still can might be a good idea

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